Bullying and the long-term consequences - My story

Hello,

I'm writing a slightly longer text on mobbing. I am male, 30 years old and was bullied in my school days. I would like to divide the following into 3 broad areas. What was earlier, what are the long-term consequences of this and a final sentence ... I'm curious if anyone endures to the end

1 What was earlier:

I was already different in the kindergarten than the others. I could not do much with what was "normal" and never really had friends. I found stool circle stupid and therefore sat in front of the door. When more and more children followed suit, the first psychologist came. Anyway - I was already an outsider at this point. But I did not realize it so much yet and it did not really bother me.

In the first class I had no friends again. I was hardly bullied, but "only" marginalized. I still remember how my teacher asked me what was wrong with me. I answered that nobody wants to play with me during the break. The teacher then asked at the beginning of the next lesson, when the whole class was together, if any of them wanted to play with me during the breaks. But this situation was extremely embarrassing. When nobody had pointed out, but later only a girl out of pity, I was the whole embarrassing.

So it went on until the 6th grade. All in all I went to 2 elementary schools (changed to 3rd grade because of relocation). The 5th grade I was on a comprehensive school and then I switched to sixth form to a junior high school, because the way to school was much shorter and better accessible. I have not been bullied in all these schools yet. I was simply marginalized and ignored. I thought that was bad, but soon I was supposed to learn what a blessing that was basically.

After a year of secondary school, I flew because I was lazy. I came to a secondary school in a farming village. At this school, I wished that I would be ignored again - but the wish did not materialize until graduation after grade 10. I was there for 4 years. Basically there were always 3 groups on this school: the farmers who talked about tractors and manure distribution, the cool people who talked about alcohol, smoking and later about S ** and I was there. None of the groups wanted to accept me and I got ready from both sides.

The worst (but one-time) 3 events were where I was thrown into the filthy biotech behind the school, where I was pulled through the Pissrinne and where I was thrown into the dumpster. Again and again in between times were often played funny games with me. For example, pinch corner: one is thrown into the corner and all run or jump then with run-up and shoulder or knee in advance into the corner, then you are pressed by all "Mitspielenden" as firmly as possible in the corner. For this purpose, one can also quietly a few times me all strength against the victim tribes. Schweineberg has also been popular: one is thrown on the ground and the others jump on top of each other like a gossamer, until you hardly get any air under the bottom and then still fit 2 classmates on top of the pile on it. The stalking was a bit rarer but also very popular: In this game you are supported by a few classmates (and threatened if you resist). One is carried to a lantern or a tree, where then a leg is placed on each side of the tree or lantern. Now you are hewn a few times with the step with swing and start against this tree / lantern. It almost looked like these rams of Lord of the Rings. where then a leg is placed on each side of the tree or lantern. Now you are hewn a few times with the step with swing and start against this tree / lantern. It almost looked like these rams of Lord of the Rings. where then a leg is placed on each side of the tree or lantern. Now you are hewn a few times with the step with swing and start against this tree / lantern. It almost looked like these rams of Lord of the Rings.

But these were more things that happened sometimes, but not every day. Omnipresent was that I always had everything with me. If I accidentally left my bag in the classroom (really every time), all my belongings were distributed in the classroom on my return. When collecting the notebooks, books and the individual pens, these were repeatedly kicked away by my classmates, as I bent over. Also popular was "piggy in the middle", if I wanted to have one of my items again. Here are two to three people throw the object back and forth, while trying to catch this somehow. Asking that they stop did not make sense. Since you were just laughed louder because you are such a whining sissy.

Occasionally somebody arrived and acted as if he wanted to talk to me normally. But these "conversations" usually ended in an embarrassing question which pursued the purpose of exposing me. Whenever somebody has done something and the teacher asked who is guilty, almost everybody pointed to me.

The more I was bullied, the more I tried to be accepted by the others somehow. At the age of 14, I started smoking because I finally wanted to belong to it. It has also changed something: From there, the others have additionally begun to pull my butts off. It was not until the age of 27 that I stopped smoking ... all because I wanted to be part of it. I've had my grandmother give me a pair of silver-black Nike Air shoes, because I was often stupidly dressed for my NoName shoes. But, of course, it was by accident that this nike model was the gay model. When the pants with the push button pants became fashionable, I also bought one. One day I had them in school and never again afterwards. Whenever I've just buttoned up my legs, someone came back and opened his pants again. That really went on all day. In the end, I just left the unbuttoned and was laughed at ... But shit on it ... what should you do there?

Recently, an acquaintance asked me if I was angry. He would have had someone clean by now. I pondered briefly and then came to an answer that surprised him: no. I was not angry. I was very often afraid. I never knew what my classmates would think up next. I've been hiding in sections for a few breaks under the basement stairs in the stairwell or in a small house on the sports field. When the breaks were over, I also walked all the way to the teacher's room and waited for my teacher to go to class with him. But that also only caused my classmates to respond to me so much. After all, that's already a preform of petzen.

But it was not just the fear. It was also the ever-present thoughts, what's wrong with me. Why do not the others accept me? I did not do anything to them! I was neither fat, nor did I have pimples or freckles. I had no red hair and was not wearing glasses. But something I must have had on me what the others hate abysmal. I wanted to know what that is! What else can I try to be accepted, or at least that I am left alone? What's wrong with me? Once I asked a classmate, "Why are you doing this, why do not you leave me alone?" His answer was simple, "Because you're a * my last name *."

But I really was not angry

Even after school I came into such situations again, when the employment office sent me to work employment measures. There are actually only unsuccessful Vollassis out to be out of the unemployment statistics. And I was there because I was just kind of naïve and haphazard in my life. But this is another story. In any case, I was also bullied by the other participants. My tipping was pulled off and there were still those "conversations" that ended in embarrassing questions that should expose me. Sometimes I would be pushed and kicked as well. Once I gave my cigarettes to the only non-smoker so I could pretend that I did not have any. Unfortunately, one of the others noticed, as I then picked up a cigarette. Then the non-smoker got a slap in the face and I got several because I "fooled" her. In addition, the complete box was collected.

Another factor in my past was my mother. My brother and I had a strange relationship. Somehow we have always been good friends BUT very often it also happened that he provoked me until I was freaked out and beat him up. After that he is crying to the mother and I got a hefty punishment. Incidentally, my brother recently admitted that he deliberately provoked me so I could get the penalties afterwards. This was often room arrest with withdrawal of all consumer electronics (including music).

In any case, I've always had stuff that was stupid, but NOT from a vicious motivation. For example, I threw a gun into an old clothes container because I wanted to know how it sounds. I just did not think it could start burning. To this day, my mother still tells me that I have lit the Altkleiderkontainer (that sounds so wanton).

In general, I've done a lot less nonsense than other people of the same age. I was not a drunkard, I dug no girls and so on. Where the others have already made S **, I've played Pokemon. But my mother has always portrayed me as a bad kid. I have always been the problem child. That's what she says in my face today. I was once put in a clinic for difficult children for a few months, and I had a lot of psychologists and social workers. My mother always asked for more help because I was so bad. I still do not understand what was really bad about me. I was always told how bad I do everything.

2. The long-term consequences

Today, as I said, I am 30 years old. At the age of 20 years, I had no money, was about to fly out of the apartment and had nothing. I had a lower secondary school diploma of less than 4 on average and had an apprenticeship. The craftsmanship was really not for me. My father took me there. He saved me from landing on the street and "forced" me to go to school. In recent years, I have imitated my secondary school diploma, a high school diploma and an apprenticeship.

In the schools I visited after I was 20, the bullying was almost over. You suddenly had a superficial, impersonal but friendly level where you could talk to your classmates. But still there is in me deep inside the incredible desire to profile myself in all somehow. What I started in elementary school to try to belong to, I can not get out of me.

There is a Japanese saying: Every person has 3 faces. One that shows to the public, one that shows loved ones (good friends, wife, family) and a third that you really do not show to anyone. My "public face" makes silly sayings and jokes. Calling bad word jokes into the classroom - disturbing the classroom to collect a laugh. Partially, unfortunately, one or the other stupid showing off something. The main thing is to be cool and funny. When I was at home, I was partly really ashamed of what I left in the morning at school. Often I have decided to stop this behavior, but I just can not get it out of me.

Another side effect of this desire for recognition is that you always think of surrounding people as better than yourself. At 28 in vocational school, I looked somehow even to the 16-year-olds and felt smaller. It emerged again that this profiling behavior came to light. A vicious circle.

I also have a very bad self-confidence. My entire childhood and adolescence I've heard from all sides, that all I do is shit. From my mother, from my classmates and other people. I'm always scared of not getting anything done or being good enough for something. Often I try something not at all, if I do not trust me. My wife says I would sell myself constantly under value. Although I have now graduated and the training done, but now come back to unknown days, where I do not know exactly where to go. It reminds a bit of the days when I lived like an Assi eating with the homeless at the dinner table just before my dad took me in. I am afraid that it could be like that again. I'm afraid to apply, because I'm afraid I'm not good enough. But I am also afraid that I will not apply because I do not want to sink like that again.

I will be father in a few months. I am afraid for not being good enough for this task. I'm scared that I can not find a job because I'm always worried that I'm too bad for everything. I am afraid that I can not care for the child and must live on Hartz4.

I love playing video games. But even there I have this low self-confidence. If I fail to do a mission a few times, I get a little bit more angry each time because I'm not good enough in something again. And once again I give up because I do not dare to do that. But that does not just apply to video games. But even if I try to learn something that I just can not get in the head or other activities where you can fail: I get pretty angry very quickly and give up if it does not work out.

Together, these two negative emotions represent much of my life. Fear of not being able to create something and anger not having done anything. I do not want to feel that anymore. That makes you really finished on time. I do not want to get angry anymore and I do not know what I can do about it. I want that constant fear to go away, but I do not know how. The causes are aware of me, the symptoms are known to me and yet I'm somehow powerless against it.

3. Closing words

Even the final word will be quite long again and I'm sorry for that. But if you've come this far, I'm glad you seem interested in my story

What could I have done then against the bullying in high school? I asked myself this question again at the age of 30. But I can not come to a satisfactory result.

I've learned a lot over the last 10 years. I've learned a lot about how the world works and how people tick. I've learned not to trust everyone directly just because he's nice to me from the start. And I have redefined a concept. Humanity. In the real sense, this term stands for selflessness and helpfulness. Unfortunately, that's just the opposite of what's in most of the others.

To be honest: If you are bullied on average by at least 2/3 of the class, so that they have fun ... This leads me directly to a great theory about: What happens if the cursed complains to the parents of the bully? With a 2: 1 likelihood, parents used to be exactly the same as their children are today and they just do nothing. The kids just keep going like before and you still get a spanking extra because you're a prat.

A psychologist once put such an inflatable ball on a chair. I should pretend that the ball is a certain bullying pupil and that I am saying SO my opinion. That was too stupid for me. Talking about a ball ... but let's just say it all: does not everyone have it anymore? If I say my opinion to my mobbing classmates SO correct: He will tear me something of the Ar *** -.- Get

someone ready for their own pleasure. A behavior that I can observe in more than half of the people around me. Is that the real humanity?

What happens after school time with the 2/3 bullies? Are they suddenly growing up? Will they be reasonable in one go? No. As you get older, it just becomes important to preserve the political correctness, so that you do not stand out negatively from the Masser. But the behavior continues. Subtle and weaker than before. But it goes on. Blaspheme about the colleague. Scatter rumors.

What I partly hear of the "business world", I am sometimes bad. Everywhere people try to enrich themselves by cheating others. Partly people are driven to ruin, so that someone else comes to some coal ... I could do that with my conscience but not at all! What are these partly for humans? Do not feel the nothing? Those were certainly times of the 2/3 Mobbern.

Of course, this could be exaggerated and expanded globally ... The children in Africa Working in mines so that we can have our cell phones, the children in Asia Playing in huge mountains Computer scrap that we threw away and in Bangladesh people mostly did only water that is contaminated with the toxic chemicals that the leather industry dumps in the rivers, while the workers in it slowly die of poisonous gases, just so we get cheap shoes here for 20 euros. But this global expansion would probably be too much.

Generally one can say the world is at Ar *** because people are as they are. Because they make life hell for other people or worse just to enrich themselves or even worse to amy themselves. They are the 2/3 bullies and that is my personal definition of humanity. But that's the same with me now. I live in seclusion with my wife and never go out or anything like that. I never invite friends or go big, except sometimes to watch a DVD with my brother and his wife. I do my own thing and let the others get each other out there.

I've learned to distrust people right from the start. I stay as superficial as possible and do not let anyone get too close to me. I have a total of 3 real friends, one of whom is my brother. In the meantime, a slight misanthropy has developed in my life, making me feel unwell and partially disgusted in larger crowds. That's terrible in crowded public transport. But even when shopping, when a lot is going on, I am very uncomfortable.

I hope that someday I will lose my fear and my anger and I hope that at some point I will exchange my public face and no longer crave for recognition. But I am afraid that these hopes will not be fulfilled.