Hello, dear forum!


So, this would be my third attempt to write a performance. One time the children interfered, the other time it got way too long. So... Number three.


Until recently, I thought I was really lucky. I moved with my family from the big city to the small town. The jobs there are not exactly abundant. But I searched diligently anyway, because I wanted to go back to work for a few hours after my parental leave, to make friends and well... a little money is never wrong, of course. I actually found something too. It seemed perfect: a small call centre, a few minutes' walk, working hours that are compatible with children and spouses, pleasant work itself and the colleagues seemed super nice too.


I got along particularly well with one colleague (there are 3 of us in total, plus the boss). She constantly told me that she liked me a lot and was happy that I was there, we talked on the phone privately and had fun in the office. I was praised very much because my performance was good. It was never a competition or anything. On the contrary. We were always happy for each other.


Until about a week and a half ago.


I actually managed to make them angry twice by saying something rash. It was really nothing bad. Nothing that could not have been solved by talking. She accused me of bitchiness and arrogance.
The next day: the same game. This time it concerned my young colleague. The day did not go well for any of us and I was happy to get a last-minute assignment. Said to the boss: Phew, better that than nothing. I got into a lot of trouble from my older colleague. What am I thinking? The young colleague wouldn't have had anything and would have been completely bent over. I apologised again in due form.
As I know that I sometimes express myself in a very misleading way, I asked her to point this out and emphasised that I generally never mean anything like that in a bad way. My older colleague then became quite cold and said that I had to know that I was grown up and had children. I told her that people are different. Useless.


Since then it has been going on like this every day. Meanwhile I am only insecure. And what happens when you compulsively try to do everything right? Exactly.


My older colleague now jumps at what I say like a shooting dog. She has already admitted this to me.


Words are turned around in my mouth, mistakes (yes, I make some, even stupid beginner's mistakes. This is completely human, I think, especially since I haven't been around that long), people in the office laugh at me and accuse me of things that are not correct.


I'm a suck-up because I hold the door open (but that's how I should be).


I am jealous of what the others get in terms of orders. I always look at the blackboard (aha. There can't be any other reasons like "I have to get busy")


If I withdraw, I am the party pooper. If I say something, I can be sure that I have to listen to it again.


How you do it, you do it wrong.


Once she pointed out to me that I talk too fast. I said: "I know that, but since I generally speak quickly, sometimes you fall into this automatic, thanks for the hint" She said, "I can see that you're angry with me again. I said: "No, I am grateful when I am told that. My former boss once recorded this on tape and played it for me. I didn't find that annoying either, but interesting."
Then she got really aggressive and said: "AHA! So even then you didn't obey work instructions! But I'll have to go to the boss in the office..."


For once, I - admittedly - did not do what she told me. But it wasn't because I didn't feel like it, but because it didn't work for me in the first few days and after that I got used to my handwritten notes. But she only said every now and then in a very nice and uncontrolled way that it was much more practical. I tried it, saw the benefits, thanked her very much and thought it would be okay. Not at all! That is what I am still being reproached for today.




In the last few days she has given me input from time to time between phone calls. Well, or rather she pointed out mistakes to me. I thanked her and made myself a post-it. That's the best way to remember it. She was angry because I only said "Yes, okay, thanks". What a nerve!!! A post-it would be unnecessary, you have to remember it that way!!! Again, I wouldn't follow the work instructions!! She sacrifices her valuable working time and has to put up with such a snotty answer! I told her that I didn't want to steal her time *not* with the short answer and that I wanted to show with the immediate implementation that it is important to me. Nope. Bad Juju. Endless discussions.


When I ask her to listen to me, even if she has improved, she suddenly has to work. She always emphasises (when I make mistakes) that it is her job to teach us everything right.


These are just a few examples.


My younger colleague told me in the beginning that she knew what I meant when we were alone. But when the older colleague is there, she always confirms what she is saying. I think she is also afraid and is happy not to be in the line of fire herself. In my short time I have already seen two people fly - because of personal differences with the older colleague.


Of course I have often sought the conversation. To no avail. It only gets better for a short time. And then I say something again that upsets her mercilessly. At first I thought it was probably my fault. I always apologise, even if I didn't understand. Asking my husband a thousand times, he always gives me honest feedback. In fact he told me twice that I expressed myself stupidly. Yes. Okay. But also here: Why can't we talk about it normally?


I also know that my colleague regularly "squeals" to the boss. With her interpretation of things, of course. Of course I am not asked.
My performance has suffered massively. I got scolded for that, also for the above mentioned "refusal to work". Everyone agreed. I felt so bad because I would have liked to talk about the real reasons.
I don't need to talk to my boss, it backfired. According to my colleague, he now also thinks I'm "impossible" and probably laughs at me even when I'm around. This happened once while I was still there. He was called out especially and was amused about me. He acted as if I didn't mind. But in reality I felt bad.


But at the end of last week my colleague said to me several times with a very strange look: "It's your own fault what's going on here. Only YOU, do you understand that???" I somehow knew that it can't be all my fault. Also their eternal "You must be angry now" or "I bet you'll run to the boss, I have a feeling that way..." show me that even I know that I have reason to be angry.


I would have changed so negatively and it is no fun anymore with me. Yes, I said, because I've become so damn insecure and it's like pounding a minefield. But they don't understand that. You've become really exhausting, it's so nice when you're not there. That is true
I mean, I haven't been at work since yesterday, and I've almost always had a good relationship with everyone (I don't think I can work with everyone anyway). I was usually classified as "somewhat special, but hard-working, nice, sociable, etc.". I am still in contact with many ex-colleagues today. If I was that bad, wouldn't I be?


I am so exhausted at the moment. The stress follows me into my private life, I have stomach problems, headaches because I crunch at night and sleep badly. I have two more children "on the side" and my husband goes to work when I just come home. I notice that I hardly have any strength left since then, but I need it so urgently


This is actually very unpleasant for me, after just under a month and a half I'm already so ... well, I'll say "to shit" flippantly. But just the thought of having to go back on Monday is so scary.


I'm just at the beginning of the probationary period. What can I do? I can't quit my job myself, because then the ALG1 would no longer apply. If they give me notice (if only because of my poor performance at the moment), what can happen? Is there anything I can do? I would actually like to continue working there. If only that were not the case. Or at least be able to stand on my hind legs. But I can already guess what will happen then.


I thank you for reading and any input. You help me a lot with that.